A Portrait of a Mistress

Dear Friend,

Lately, I’ve been reading many mistresses’ blogs. Some of them piss me off; others make me want to give the OW a hug (and plead with her to open her eyes and face reality). Most just make me sad. Sad that a woman feels like she is worth so little that she’ll take another woman’s scraps. Sad that men lie so easily and women gobble it up. Sad that the only lives considered are the WS and OW – not the kids or the spouses…or even the friends, colleagues, and extended family. Affairs touch everyone. To deny that is delusion.

Anyway, reading these blogs has led me to re-reading X’s emails to both Bug and me. I’m trying to decide if she’s evil, stupid, a combination of both, or just plain malicious.

I can’t decide. But for your reading pleasure, with my notes in caps, here are two of the emails she sent us.

Always Yours,


Exhibit one:


First and foremost, I am so sorry that I made a conscious decision to have an affair with BUG. Regardless of the things he said about his relationship with you, I should never have crossed that line. I am sorry that I have brought you and your children so much pain and suffering. (NOW YOU’RE SORRY? WHEN YOU’VE BEEN CAUGHT? AFTER YOU BECAME UPSET THAT BUG WAS IN PARIS WITH ME AND ASKED IF YOU SHOULD JUST WAIT UNTIL EVERYTHING BLOWS OVER. THE NEXT DAY IS WHEN YOU BECAME SORRY? I DON’T BUY IT.)
I am completely and utterly shocked by your email because I never thought I would fall into such a tangled web of lies (WHAT THE HELL DID YOU THINK THE TWO OF YOU WERE DOING? NOT LYING? IMPRESSIVE AND DELUSIONAL. YOU LIED TO YOUR BS, TOO. DON’T FORGET THAT). I did see your blogs, tweets, and posts and would ask him about them – he would say you were in denial and knew how to put on a good show. . .(DENIAL IS A FUNNY THING ISN’T IT? OR WERE YOU JUST TOO ENAMORED TO BELIEVE THAT I ACTUALLY LOVED MY HUSBAND AND WE DID THINGS TOGETHER? WERE THE PHOTOS STAGED TOO?)
The other thing is that he had planned a trip at the end of July for us (THIS WAS OVER OUR ANNIVERSARY, FYI). I was going to come out and run the SF half with him and then spend a week in wine country. When I committed, he said he had filed the papers for the divorce and that you two would be officially separated and on your way to a divorce by then. (BUG DENIES THIS. HE CLAIMS HE TOLD HER IN MAY THAT HE WASN’T GOING TO LEAVE ME AND SHE BECAME UPSET. HE PLACATED HER BY BUYING HER AN AIRPLANE TICKET FOR THIS TRIP ((WHICH HE DIDN’T REALIZE WAS OUR ANNIVERSARY)) BASED ON HER BEHAVIOR DURING THIS TIME, I TEND TO BELIEVE HIM.)
Early last week I sold my condo, moved into my own place, and separated from my husband (WHICH IS WHAT YOU WANTED ALL ALONG). This all has left me reeling and I really am just trying to pick back up the pieces of a life BUG destroyed. (CORRECTION: YOU BOTH ARE EQUALLY CULPABLE IN THE FALLOUT. HE DID NOT DESTROY YOUR LIFE. YOU ACTIVELY PARTICIPATED IN IT, AS YOU STATED ABOVE.)
I don’t think there is anything else I can tell you, and if you saw the emails then you saw the lies that I was being told. I really thought your marriage was in shambles and that he wanted out.
Thank you for sending me this email. You didn’t have to, but by doing so you have helped me understand that this was all a bunch of lies and it is sometimes easier to heal from lies. And yes, this relationship has ruined so many lives and I am so sorry that I played a role in it. I will recover, but the scars will always be left on my heart. (BOO, FUCKING, HOO)

She sent this to Bug, cc’ing me, later on – but before she decided to take legal action:

Was it all lies? Everything? Funny, I often say I have never had my heart broken and now at 31 I know how it feels. It is horrible (TRY FINDING OUT YOUR SPOUSE HAS BEEN LYING AND CHEATING ON YOU FOR MONTHS. WE’LL TALK THEN.) And have been brutally reminded why I have walls. Thanks for that reminder.

I can also now say I know how HER HUSBAND must have felt when I was honest and forthcoming about the betrayal and my feelings for you (SHE CLAIMS SHE TOLD HIM BACK IN JANUARY, BUT LATER ON, IT BECAME CLEAR SHE NEVER TOLD HIM. HOW DO I KNOW? I SENT HIM AN EMAIL – LOL). A betrayal that I still want to believe was not entirely fake. But maybe it was. And I was just too stupid and blind to see it.

I am hurt. I am angry. I am confused. I feel betrayed (NICE). I am a million things. But mostly I am sorry. I am sorry that I walked into this relationship knowing the chances of it ever working out were slim. That I let my guard down and got an already fragile heart destroyed (AND MY HEART AND MY MARRIAGE WAS…?). And that I took a chance you told me would be worth taking.

Jeeze, I really should have listened to everyone around me, but instead I put my faith in you. Someone that I thought might actually be the one person on this earth who could make me happy (DING DING DING…ONLY YOU CAN MAKE YOURSELF HAPPY). It was hard to type that but we always said we would be honest with each other (HONESTY FROM SOMEONE WHO IS ENGAGING IN ELABORATE DECEPTION? ARE YOU STUPID? ALSO, YOU WEREN’T HONEST EITHER). So I am sorry I made this mistake and that you think I was a mistake. The only thing I can hope for is that in the end it makes us both better people.

Here’s the truth. As angry and as hurt as I am, I want you to be happy. And if that happiness comes from Dawn, then it is what it is (NICE). You know I never wanted to be the cause of a divorce and I am actually happy that in the end, I wasn’t (WHAT? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING? SLEEPING WITH A MARRIED MAN ISN’T GOING TO CAUSE A DIVORCE? UNTIL THE AFFAIR, WE NEVER FOUGHT. WE HAD NEVER UTTERED THE D-WORD. THIS IS A SERIOUSLY DELUSIONAL STATEMENT IMO). I only ask that you be entirely honest with her about everything, including Pam (THIS IS AN EXAMPLE OF WHERE X WAS TRYING TO BE MORE HURTFUL SINCE SHE ALWAYS THOUGHT BUG HAD AN AFFAIR WITH PAM. HE DIDN’T. I KNOW PAM – SOMETHING X WASN’T AWARE OF). She has the right to know.

I can not stay at THE FIRM. I will finish out this assignment and then put in my notice (SHE DIDN’T. SHE FILED PAPERS STATING HE COERCED HER INTO A RELATIONSHIP AND TRIED TO HAVE A GAG ORDER PLACED ON ME). I have no idea what I will do, but I won’t be part of a firm that has suspicions. I need to protect myself as much as you need to protect yourself. And since you won’t tell me what people think then I need to assume the worst.

One other thing I am sorry about is that we crossed a line we can never go back across. You were a great friend and supporter and I will really miss that cheerleader.

I wish you all the best. I wish you healing and the life you deserve.


15 thoughts on “A Portrait of a Mistress

  1. Sounds like she was not playing with a full deck of cards. How in the hell can a an OW think that the BS is being honest with her when he’s lying to the wife. Do these women honestly believe these married men tell them the truth? Crazy.. I’m sure they want the married man so badly that they will believe whatever line of shit their fed.

    My H’s main OW sent him e-mails too, but they were all in the form of covering their asses, plotting their stories, all her idea. He deleted every e-mail she sent him up until the day he told me about the affair. He forwarded me every one she sent him after he told me. They were mostly begin, stuff about not wanting it to affect their jobs, about her not wanting her husband to get in trouble for extorting him. Crazy shit. She was also bat shit crazy and only ever worried about her own ass.

    They make me sick. My husband was only worried about how it would affect him in the beginning as well. He gave no thought as to how it would affect me, only to what he would lose, his job, his wife, his family.. Not a care in the world about the pain and suffering he was about to inflict on me.

    And she, the OW… well she’s a snake in the grass. She contacted me after she found my blog trying to be all sweet, asking if there was anything she could do for me, asking if I would meet her in person, was she fucking nuts? She is the last person on this earth I would ever want to see in person. Her real reason for contacting me came out when she asked me to delete my blog… No, finally the joke was on her.

    • Delusion, self-aggrandizing, and pity are things I keep seeing pop up in the mistress blogs I read. They truly believe they – and their AP – are special, destined, and star-crossed.

      But the more I read, the more I’ve come to believe that despite many of their protestations and claims to the contrary, mistresses get off on the INTENSITY of the relationship – ie DRAMA.

      X and Bug had very “Oh. My. God.” type email exchanges about things like her menstrual cramps and how she had to take pain killers (read: Motrin) with him saying he was crying thinking about her in that much pain. (When I pointed out that he claimed to have been crying about her period cramps and she took motrin, he shook his head. He had this image of her dying of pain, needing morphin or something.

      They also had a lengthy exchange – right before his first breakdown and suicide attempt – were she said she told her husband and he said I knew, and I knew it was with her (a lie on both counts). They begged each other not to do anything rash or stupid. He promised to buy her a plane ticket or come back there if she needed out. She told him she couldn’t talk to him until Tuesday (this happened on a Friday), but that she was worried about what I was going to do to him.

      And on Tuesday, he called me from work sobbing, in the midst of his first breakdown. Everything went downhill from that moment on. So, I feel like the two of them ramped each other up and egged on the emotions, and I got the whole mess dumped in my lap. I was the one that had to deal with an emotionally fragile husband falling apart – not her. She liked feeling desired and needed, but was no where to be found when he actually needed someone to take care of him.

  2. Dawn, thx to You & Bug for Mr B’s survey. I’d love to rd yr comments to Mrs B’s post (re OW): …

  3. Pingback: My Letter(s) to His Mistress | Always Yours, Bee

  4. I too am going thru the same type of betrayal you did. On Easter, I forgave my husband. It took me eight months to do. Then I text the OW, and said I forgive you.
    She replied with “I forgive you too” REALLY AND FOR WHAT???? I let it go…..

    • I’m so sorry you’ve joined out terrible club, but it’s nice to hear that you’re healing.

      I don’t understand that OW. She forgives you for staying with your husband? For being stronger than her? For reminding her that she made a terrible decision?

      Best you let it go. Doesn’t seem like she’s all there.

  5. Pingback: How Not to Write the “End” Letter | Always Yours, Bee

  6. Ugh…as a betrayed spouse, my compulsion to read the blogs by OW is so repellent to me. And yet, I keep reading them…ugh! I keep looking for insight, some elusive “why” that would somehow be important and relevant to my situation. It’s almost as delusional as most of the OW blogs are. The only conclusion I’ve been able to draw is that an individual’s unmet needs will always trump anything resembling sanity..lol that goes for all parties involved in affair madness. Ugh…and Bug’s ex-OW, dear Bee…well she reads like she’s a piece of work. You both have my sympathies!

    • Hi,
      I understand completely that you do have compulsion to read these blogs…. I would have to… I had a chance to read those blogs but I guess I felt on same way as you…
      I’m one who joined to the club of cheated wives about 6 months ago… ( I joined way earlier I just did not know abut it)
      And after I went through God knows how many phases I begin to read about it on line and I find out that their (mistresses) personality is described very acurate. I agree with everthing… Especially what it is said here about them.
      It is hard to find exactly medical term for them in the ‘psych’ medicine, but I would say they very emotionally disturb personalities with crooked sense of reality and for sure they was not broad up properly. Beside that, they are selfish to the bone and they don’t care at all about consequence of their decision.
      On the and, they play with fire, and in the majority of cases they get burn.
      I do like that.
      I just would like to know what is the best way to piss them off? I already know some, but I would like to know more, just to have variety of options. I have to admit I do enjoy to do it. I think, after all, I deserved a little drops of statifactions.
      If we can named that statifaction. Good luck to all of us. NH

  7. Bee you are stronger than me!

    I can’t read any blog from any OW. i tried. i have no sympathy. these people are beyond damaged. they are mean-spirited, selfish and lonely. i cant even use the term crazy because then that’s a medical term that explains away their behavior. no, they chose to be bad people and i don’t want to hear their excuses. i never had any email exchange with my husbands OW. sometimes i wish i did. i have a lot of rage to let loose….

    sending you best wishes.

  8. She seriously signed all her e-mails “Bella” because she’s obsessed with Twilight and wants to be Bella Swan? What is she, 14? Excuse me a moment while I laugh my ass off. *eyeroll so hard I can see my own brain*

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