Lately, I’ve been reading many mistresses’ blogs. Some of them piss me off; others make me want to give the OW a hug (and plead with her to open her eyes and face reality). Most just make me sad. Sad that a woman feels like she is worth so little that she’ll take another woman’s scraps. Sad that men lie so easily and women gobble it up. Sad that the only lives considered are the WS and OW – not the kids or the spouses…or even the friends, colleagues, and extended family. Affairs touch everyone. To deny that is delusion.
Anyway, reading these blogs has led me to re-reading X’s emails to both Bug and me. I’m trying to decide if she’s evil, stupid, a combination of both, or just plain malicious.
I can’t decide. But for your reading pleasure, with my notes in caps, here are two of the emails she sent us.
Hi BEE,First and foremost, I am so sorry that I made a conscious decision to have an affair with BUG. Regardless of the things he said about his relationship with you, I should never have crossed that line. I am sorry that I have brought you and your children so much pain and suffering. (NOW YOU’RE SORRY? WHEN YOU’VE BEEN CAUGHT? AFTER YOU BECAME UPSET THAT BUG WAS IN PARIS WITH ME AND ASKED IF YOU SHOULD JUST WAIT UNTIL EVERYTHING BLOWS OVER. THE NEXT DAY IS WHEN YOU BECAME SORRY? I DON’T BUY IT.)I am completely and utterly shocked by your email because I never thought I would fall into such a tangled web of lies (WHAT THE HELL DID YOU THINK THE TWO OF YOU WERE DOING? NOT LYING? IMPRESSIVE AND DELUSIONAL. YOU LIED TO YOUR BS, TOO. DON’T FORGET THAT). I did see your blogs, tweets, and posts and would ask him about them – he would say you were in denial and knew how to put on a good show. . .(DENIAL IS A FUNNY THING ISN’T IT? OR WERE YOU JUST TOO ENAMORED TO BELIEVE THAT I ACTUALLY LOVED MY HUSBAND AND WE DID THINGS TOGETHER? WERE THE PHOTOS STAGED TOO?)
The other thing is that he had planned a trip at the end of July for us (THIS WAS OVER OUR ANNIVERSARY, FYI). I was going to come out and run the SF half with him and then spend a week in wine country. When I committed, he said he had filed the papers for the divorce and that you two would be officially separated and on your way to a divorce by then. (BUG DENIES THIS. HE CLAIMS HE TOLD HER IN MAY THAT HE WASN’T GOING TO LEAVE ME AND SHE BECAME UPSET. HE PLACATED HER BY BUYING HER AN AIRPLANE TICKET FOR THIS TRIP ((WHICH HE DIDN’T REALIZE WAS OUR ANNIVERSARY)) BASED ON HER BEHAVIOR DURING THIS TIME, I TEND TO BELIEVE HIM.)Early last week I sold my condo, moved into my own place, and separated from my husband (WHICH IS WHAT YOU WANTED ALL ALONG). This all has left me reeling and I really am just trying to pick back up the pieces of a life BUG destroyed. (CORRECTION: YOU BOTH ARE EQUALLY CULPABLE IN THE FALLOUT. HE DID NOT DESTROY YOUR LIFE. YOU ACTIVELY PARTICIPATED IN IT, AS YOU STATED ABOVE.)I don’t think there is anything else I can tell you, and if you saw the emails then you saw the lies that I was being told. I really thought your marriage was in shambles and that he wanted out.Thank you for sending me this email. You didn’t have to, but by doing so you have helped me understand that this was all a bunch of lies and it is sometimes easier to heal from lies. And yes, this relationship has ruined so many lives and I am so sorry that I played a role in it. I will recover, but the scars will always be left on my heart. (BOO, FUCKING, HOO)
She sent this to Bug, cc’ing me, later on – but before she decided to take legal action:
Was it all lies? Everything? Funny, I often say I have never had my heart broken and now at 31 I know how it feels. It is horrible (TRY FINDING OUT YOUR SPOUSE HAS BEEN LYING AND CHEATING ON YOU FOR MONTHS. WE’LL TALK THEN.) And have been brutally reminded why I have walls. Thanks for that reminder.
I can also now say I know how HER HUSBAND must have felt when I was honest and forthcoming about the betrayal and my feelings for you (SHE CLAIMS SHE TOLD HIM BACK IN JANUARY, BUT LATER ON, IT BECAME CLEAR SHE NEVER TOLD HIM. HOW DO I KNOW? I SENT HIM AN EMAIL – LOL). A betrayal that I still want to believe was not entirely fake. But maybe it was. And I was just too stupid and blind to see it.
I am hurt. I am angry. I am confused. I feel betrayed (NICE). I am a million things. But mostly I am sorry. I am sorry that I walked into this relationship knowing the chances of it ever working out were slim. That I let my guard down and got an already fragile heart destroyed (AND MY HEART AND MY MARRIAGE WAS…?). And that I took a chance you told me would be worth taking.
Jeeze, I really should have listened to everyone around me, but instead I put my faith in you. Someone that I thought might actually be the one person on this earth who could make me happy (DING DING DING…ONLY YOU CAN MAKE YOURSELF HAPPY). It was hard to type that but we always said we would be honest with each other (HONESTY FROM SOMEONE WHO IS ENGAGING IN ELABORATE DECEPTION? ARE YOU STUPID? ALSO, YOU WEREN’T HONEST EITHER). So I am sorry I made this mistake and that you think I was a mistake. The only thing I can hope for is that in the end it makes us both better people.
Here’s the truth. As angry and as hurt as I am, I want you to be happy. And if that happiness comes from Dawn, then it is what it is (NICE). You know I never wanted to be the cause of a divorce and I am actually happy that in the end, I wasn’t (WHAT? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING? SLEEPING WITH A MARRIED MAN ISN’T GOING TO CAUSE A DIVORCE? UNTIL THE AFFAIR, WE NEVER FOUGHT. WE HAD NEVER UTTERED THE D-WORD. THIS IS A SERIOUSLY DELUSIONAL STATEMENT IMO). I only ask that you be entirely honest with her about everything, including Pam (THIS IS AN EXAMPLE OF WHERE X WAS TRYING TO BE MORE HURTFUL SINCE SHE ALWAYS THOUGHT BUG HAD AN AFFAIR WITH PAM. HE DIDN’T. I KNOW PAM – SOMETHING X WASN’T AWARE OF). She has the right to know.
I can not stay at THE FIRM. I will finish out this assignment and then put in my notice (SHE DIDN’T. SHE FILED PAPERS STATING HE COERCED HER INTO A RELATIONSHIP AND TRIED TO HAVE A GAG ORDER PLACED ON ME). I have no idea what I will do, but I won’t be part of a firm that has suspicions. I need to protect myself as much as you need to protect yourself. And since you won’t tell me what people think then I need to assume the worst.
One other thing I am sorry about is that we crossed a line we can never go back across. You were a great friend and supporter and I will really miss that cheerleader.
I wish you all the best. I wish you healing and the life you deserve.
Bella (THIS IS HOW SHE SIGNED ALL HER EMAILS, BUT HE NEVER REFERRED TO HER LIKE THIS FROM WHAT I CAN TELL. HE CALLED HER ‘B’ ON A FEW OCCASIONS. FWIW, SHE LOVED TWILIGHT AND WANTED TO BE BELLA SWAN.)